Diary of a sex Addict: I’m Numb 1

The whole week I couldn’t sleep properly, I have been practicing over and over again but I can’t seem to get everything right , am I ready to even do this , I have been contemplating whether I should go or not to our next meeting but the day has come , and I am filled with fear .

I tried to look pretty for my audience, so I wore my nude maxi dress that outlined my curves sand thickness , with black sandals I was already late but only by 15minutes , so when I walked in the other ladies were already seated in our usual small circle, Nandi smiled at me as I walked in

“ sorry I’m late , hello everyone “ I said while sitting down .

“ it’s not a problem “ said Mrs Heinz

“It’s a good thing that you here already , I thought you might have chickened out “ she said with a giggle

“ in your form here it said your name is EroticNey? We don’t use nicknames here , what is your real name young lady ?”she asked as she looked me directly in the face

She looked so scary and intimidating but I wasn’t scared , I have seen scarier faces while I was in prison

Should I tell her my real name I thought ?But what’s more important my story or my name ?

“Ney is my real name mam,” I responded

“ well then Ney , you can take the stage “

When she said that , I had this strange image in my mind , where I was in dark stadium, filled with people who are screaming and holding up posters with words I have been called all my life , slut , whore , nympho , molester ,they were all there , board’s with judgmental comments , and there I was standing on the stage which was in the middle of the stadium , being passed the mic and finally given a chance to tell my side of the story .

Hi My name is Ney and I’m a Sex Addict

Diary of a sex Addict: I’m Numb 2

Crowd : hello Ney

I don’t know where to start , well maybe because I don’t know when everything went wrong , or let’s just say I was born like this .

“Is it wrong to have sex ? , God created sex so I’m just enjoying his creation “ that’s what I used to tell myself as a teenager, but little did I know that too much of any thing is not good,even sex.

Sex ruined my life honestly

I’m only 35 years old but I’m already labeled as a sex offender by Law

I’m a qualified Teacher by professional, I worked my ass off trying to get that degree but today it’s useless because I’m not allowed near a school .

All of this because of sex

I hate it but my body loves it.

You probably wondering how I got here ?

Well it all started the day I was born

I was moved from foster parent to foster parent , so I kind of grew up everywhere but spent most of my time in Durban at an area called glen wood .

I wouldn’t say I was a troublemaker growing up , sometimes growing up without a family you just have a goal of making it in life so your kids won’t suffer the way you did , so I had my own goal too , which was to grow up , get a degree in teaching , then later on In life become a lecturer in an university.

I loved teaching , basically I loved kids , I loved being around younger ones , watching them play , running around , and loved it when they to me for assistance, that seems harmless right ?

That’s what I thought too until I realized my love for kids was different, and it came from a dark place.

When I turned 16, I was staying with the Smith family ,which was my last Forster home , they were nice people ,took such good care of me , even though the couple already had 4 kids , they treated me equally, I’m the one that fucked up.

Out of their 4 kids, 2 were older than me , one was my age and the other one was younger , he was only 10years old and I loved him so much , his name was Sam.

My love for him was different than the love I had for others , it was stronger

I loved everything about him , his fresh light skin , his big brown eyes , his amazing smile with his small teeth , he was short and cute

He was so polite , I loved it when he would come to me everyday after school and say “ sisi May you please help me with my home work “ , I loved helping him , I wanted to help with everything,

I realized this love I had for him was too much when I found myself watching him take a shower one day

The Urge

Diary of a sex Addict: I’m Numb 3

It was a Monday morning , we were all getting ready for school , I ran into Sams bedroom looking for my pencil case , I had left it last night when I was helping him with his homework, he had his own shower in his room and that morning he left the shower door open. I got so tempted to go inside and just peep , I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to see because this person was 6 years younger than me !

I couldn’t resist , I peeped and saw him

He was still in the shower, the water dripping on his soft fresh skin , his wet messy hair , the foam all over his body , I watched him scrub his small chest , he moved from his tiny nipples and went down wards to his stomach , it was like I was watching soft porn

I was feeling so hot , I was getting aroused ,I was so confused, why am I getting horny over my younger brother ?

I wanted to run and go hide in shame, but I couldn’t get myself to leave because I wanted to see… to see his little penis .

He was still scrubbing his stomach, I watched as he slowly moved down to wash his penis , I was so glued to him that I didn’t notice that I was falling , I fell on my ass and disrupted the whole show , Sam quickly wrapped a towel around himself and helped me up , his touch made it worse because my vagina was already wet .

I got up and returned to my bedroom and got ready for school.

The car ride was the most awkward thing ever , I couldn’t believe I was lusting over Sam,

That image of him in the shower didn’t want to leave my mind , I didn’t understand, I was only 16 , a Virgin and clueless about these things , all I knew was just naughty magazines that some of friends would bring to school, nothing else, back then talking about sex was a taboo , so imagine all of the emotions that I was feeling at that time , I was scared .

I stopped entering Sams room without knocking from that day till I left that house for good.

I tried so hard to avoid him for so long ,but imagine trying to avoid someone you live in the same house with , it was the hardest thing to do and I feel like he noticed it too because I even stopped helping him with his homework

I resisted the urge until one night , I had just turned 18 and was in grade 12, and Sam had just turned 12 , he was growing but he was still small.

He knocked on my bedroom door, “ hey sis , I got your late birthday present” he said As he walked in

I was so happy to see him , I was just laying in bed revising over some notes , he came with a box wrapped up and gave it to me while he sat next to me on the bed

“ don’t open it now ,first I want to ask you something, did I do something wrong? Why did you stop helping me with my homework?” He asked

I felt guilt , so I just told him it’s just that I have been busy and hugged him tightly, he was so warm , that image of him in the shower years ago came back , I quickly let go and he said “ can I sleep here tonight sis , I miss you”

I couldn’t say no , he was just a child.

He got underneath my blanket , and layed next to me , his warm skin touched my thighs, I was wearing just sleeping shorts with a vest and he wore something similar.

I faced the other way , avoiding looking at him , but I couldn’t sleep at all , the temptation, I couldn’t sleep at all .

I could hear him snoring , so I turned and faced him , his face was so handsome and Innocent , I wanted to kiss him but I knew I couldn’t so I just touched his face , his skin was so soft

I could feel my vagina getting moist , I wanted to touch it and play with myself while looking at him , I didn’t care if he would wake up or not , I didn’t even know what I was doing , I had never masturbated before , but my clit was screaming touch me , and that’s what I was about to do

I inserted my left hand in my pants until it reached my vagina then I placed my fingers on my clit and started rubbing it , it felt so fucken good ,

It felt right , next thing I know I am fondling with his body with my right hand , but he was still dressed and sleeping ,

I moved my hand slowly down to his shorts , it’s like I couldn’t control myself, I just wanted to feel him and play with him and I didn’t care that he had no consent of what was happening

I touched his tiny penis , ow my goodness, it felt so fucken good , I was just rubbing it and playing with it softly while still rubbing my clit

Before I knew it I was moaning and releasing some fluid out of my tight hole

The feeling was amazing , Sam was still I sleep, when I was done I went back to facing the other way

I slept so peacefully , it’s like I knew that all hell will break loose in the morning.


Diary of a sex Addict: I’m Numb 4

I was woken up by a hard slap across my face , I was in shock

My foster mother kept on screaming “ you dirty pig , you molested my child , get out of my house”

Her husband was holding her back and in a soft voice he told me to pack my bags before they call the cops

I had nothing to say , I didn’t know how to defend myself , so I had no choice but to do as he said and pack my bags and go back to the children’s home and ask for permission to stay there for a few months then I’ll be off to university, I had already been accepted to study teaching and got a bursary to fund everything including my accommodation.

Each night at the home I thought of Sam and dreamt of him , I was ashamed of what I did , but his still my love , at that time I still hadn’t opened his present, but I carried that box everywhere I went without knowing what was inside.

My life in university was very calm , I was focused, all I wanted was to finish my degree and start working , I had no interest in making friends and dating .

My life revolved around books and watching movies in my spare time , alone.

I got my first job as a primary school teacher when I turned 22, I was happy , my life was going well but little did I know that being in a class filled with 12year olds would ruin me,

Looking at those kids just reminded me of my Sam.

My first incident was with my A student , Luke.

He was small and handsome

He would come to my office after school and ask for assistance, his intentions were pure but mine weren’t

The first time he came I kept my hands to myself , but that same night I played with myself while thinking of him , I wanted to touch him and play with his tiny penis

The second time he came I couldn’t help myself, I brought him lots of candy , he was so happy , I told him I can bring candy for him everyday if only he lets me touch him and not tell anyone about it , he was not sure but he agreed.

While he was sitting on his chair , i touched him softly from head to soft , I massage him , then Unzipped his pants and played with his little penis, ow my God I loved it

And as usual I was getting wet , I removed my underwear and he just stood there looking at me , touch me I said , he was scared but he did it , he was just a kid .

Those tiny hands touching my pussy made me so horny , I wanted all of him

I removed his clothes , till he was totally naked then picked him up and put him on my lap then started playing with his asshole , it was so tight and it felt good

He was trying to get away but I was so in the moment, that I didn’t care about his feelings, I just molested him until I orgasmed .

After that session I told him to get dressed and gave him some pocket money ,

After Luke came Levon, then, Nick,Themba, Riley and before you know it

I had more than 8kids I was molesting and having sex with every week in the school, it was dangerous but I loved it , my vagina loved it when those tiny penises entered me.

This went on for years until I got caught when I turned 30 , I was reported by my last kid Jimmy, he had complained to his mom that his asshole hurts when he tries to go to the toilet

His mom took him to the doctor who later confirmed that the child had been raped in his anus. I guess my fingers hurt him badly

I got arrested and lost everything , I’m labeled as a molester , a Paedophile , but honestly I can not control it , I didn’t ask for this , I have a condition called Hebephilia which is when an adult has sexual interest in a child during its puberty stages .

I got released from jail last week on parole , and was advised to come to this support because it might help me , I wasn’t sure if I was going to fit in here or not but last week I opened Sams present , and found a framed picture of us both , I looked so happy in that picture, I don’t remember the last time I felt that happy , I feel nothing these days ,I’m just numb.seeing his face on that picture made me take the decision to come here

I’m addicted to molesting young male kids and I need help.

Mrs Heinz : thank you for sharing , who’s next ?

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